Exploring Self-Esteem

What is self-esteem? Self-esteem is about self-worth. When people are said to have high self-esteem, they believe they have worth as a human being. In contrast, people with low self-esteem believe that they are not worth much. How can we objectively evaluate the worth of something so complicated as a human being? Is that even possible? The answer is no. Yet, most of us are constantly evaluating our worth as a human being.

How do we determine our worth? Typically, we evaluate ourselves against all kinds of different standards. For some people, these standards are mostly related to appearance (e.g., “I should look attractive”), whereas for others, they are related to achievements (e.g., “I should perform well at work”). Whatever standard is being used to evaluate ourselves against, the idea is always the same: if we feel we are living up to the standard, we are worthy. Self-esteem is high in such cases. However, if we feel that we are not reaching some personal standard, our self-esteem may drop. If you hold a personal standard about high achievement at work, receiving negative performance feedback may cause you to feel bad about yourself as if you are somehow “less,” worthy, and your self-esteem will likely drop.

Hence, self-esteem is all about self-evaluation. A person who is said to have high self-esteem evaluates him or herself against different standards, and when this evaluation turns out favorably, he feels worthwhile. It is like an if-then code of a computer program: If I meet [insert standard here], I am worthwhile. Note that there is nothing wrong with evaluating actions. By evaluating our actions, we can learn from our mistakes and grow as an individual. However, there is a difference between evaluating actions and evaluating personal worth. 

Activity: Reflecting on my perceived worth

In this activity, explore what occurs when you evaluate your self-worth. Look at the questions below. Choose five or more questions and try to answer them truthfully. Don't overthink this. Just pay attention to what comes to mind first.

• When do I feel most insecure?
• In what areas am I most critical of myself?
• Have there been situations in which I was pretending to be someone I'm not so others would like and accept me? If so, describe these situations.
• What kind of judgments from other people make me feel the worst about myself?
• What kind of feedback from others makes me feel as if there is something wrong with me?
• When do I feel less compared to others?
• What is the thing I fear the most that people would say of me?
• When do I experience the feeling of not being enough?
• In which situations do I tend to compare myself with others?
• When do I feel like my sense of self-worth increases?
• When do I feel worthwhile?
• When do I feel like my sense of self-worth decreases?
• When do I feel worthless?

If you are struggling with self-esteem and would like to explore this topic in therapy, contact me for a free phone consultation.